Opinion | Vote GOP! We’ll fix the economy by making the rest of life worse, too!


voters! We’re thrilled to see so many of you tending R this fall! And we hear it’s because of… the economy? Wild!

To our knowledge we haven’t said anything about the economy or offered any exciting plan to fix the problem! From what I can see, we’ve just called Joe Biden a socialist, stoking fears about the existence of trans people and suggesting that people who want us to denounce anti-Semitism are like “1984” but worse!

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That’s why we appreciate your trust so much! As you’ve clearly realized, when things go very badly, you have options! Try to fix it, or make everything else worse too! Vote Republican, and we guarantee we’ll do our best to take your mind off the economy by impeaching everyone in government, putting more things in charge of Marjorie Taylor Greene, and in our free moments asking the Supreme Court for more rights to remove or protective devices that might be lying around!

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I’ve always been a firm believer that if you get a stomach ulcer, you should break your arm right away. Suddenly the stomach ulcer is just one of many problems you are dealing with! Time that you would have spent thinking about it, now you have to figure out how to open heavy doors and brush your teeth with a cast. Well, that’s how we think about the economy. Is it bad? Absolutely! do we have solutions Are further tax cuts for the rich a solution? Okay, how about we hold the debt ceiling hostage while we cut Medicare? Please don’t tell us if it’s not a solution because it’s all we brought!

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Is … book ban? You have to keep in mind that if the supply of books goes down, the book price goes up, and that’s probably good for the bookies, right? I don’t understand how this works! Anyway, we will definitely ban books!

Will…abolishing access to abortion help the economy? We don’t have to think, do we? Forcing more people to give birth in a system where there is already a pitiful lack of parental support is probably going to make it worse, not better, right? But the point is, we’re excited to find out! And, as I’m sure you realized if you voted for us, the time you’ll spend watching in horror as we force people to give birth to their rapists’ babies and the jobs of doctors threatening those trying to create life- Saving care in the event of pregnancy loss is time not staring at your wallet! If you’re arrested for missing your period, inflation isn’t the first thing you think of when you’re on your period!

Has the economy gotten worse under Joe Biden? Yes. Will it get worse if you bring back a Republican majority in Congress this fall? Pretty sure yes! But there will also be so many other things happening that you won’t have time to think about them.

Consider: More than 370 Republican candidates for national or state office have expressed doubts about the 2020 election! So you have to worry about the demise of democracy in addition to the declining value of your dollar! Not only will you need more dollars to get the same result, but thanks to gerrymandering and the new wave of state officials unwilling to agree to ballots they disagree with, you’ll need more votes to get the same thing get result!

In the meantime, look forward to many more bills preventing you from mentioning that gay people exist and requiring children to have genital screenings in order to play sports! And maybe we’ll even get to gay marriage! Who knows! Anything to take your mind off the economy! You’ll be so busy watching your freedoms being eroded right and left (but mostly right) that you won’t even notice the rise in gas prices!

As you speed across the state line in an ambulance on the brink of death, your rights decimated, your votes uncounted, your libraries closed – I guarantee the last thing on your mind is the economy! Just the way you wanted it! Vote Republican Today!


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